A nice story but the first sentence of the second paragraph doesn't seem to make sense: "The king...decided to pay an old lord..."Surely the old lord was to pay him for his daughter. Perhaps you mean 'pay attention to...'. The name sou-yang needs a capital 'S'
Comment cont. You could do with a couple more stops and new sentences too, and commas here and there.E.g. "...old lord named Sou-yang. Sou-yang was rich...". Also "...Chang had plans of his own. Dressed as a bus boy,..." Shouldn't the 2 lovers marry first and then live happily...? Or is this meant to be modern behaviour? Commas would help in "So, as you would think, it was in the king's impure nature to agree."
I've forgotten most of the version I learnt but it said that the father chased the lovers over a bridge hence the three figures, that the two were changed into birds in order to fly free together and that their intended home was set on fire.