Once upon a time it was a nice sunny day in Myanmar.
Suddenly there became a lot of rain and with it came lightning but no thunder.
At the same time, up up above, the rhinos lived peacefully.
Every rhino was having a big bowl of grass with a topping of dirt their favorite.
One rhino was really grumpy because he didn’t have enough sleep, his name was Fit. Fit grew the biggest fit and was stomping around everywhere. Fit was making everybody get angry, even
Bob and Bob jr., they were real nice. Fit got all the other rhinos to make a really big stampede.
Suddenly, down below there became the biggest booms, one
after the other. That’s how there became thunder. Just a tip if you ever hear thunder stay away from rhinos because they’re probably very grumpy.
GOOD WORK! I ENCOURAGE YOU TO BE A STORY WRITER WHEN YOU GROW UP!
I ENJOYED READING YOUR INTERESTING STORY.
Name: AUNTIE SUE
7th June 2012
WOW! WHAT A GREAT STORY! I REALLY ENJOYED READING ABOUT THE RHINOS! WELL, DON'T FORGET TO SAY HELLO TO MARY, OK?
WITH LOVE FROM,
1st May 2012
* = I really liked how creative your story was
* = It was really funny
wish = I wish you would make your story longer and make it more interesting by adding more details. Also take a look at the sentence: "Fit grew the biggest fit and was stomping around everywhere." I think you could change the words to make it more clear.