In china in a distant part of the country it's name long forgotten, lay a small town with a king who ruled selfishly for years on end. He raised taxes at high prices and if a family was too poor, he would charge double. He had a fair sweet daughter Mai with black hair like silk and almond eyes, as sweet as honey she was but she had a secret ... she and the gardener Chang were deeply in love. Now the king kept Mai in a small tower with an entrance to a magnificent garden and every night two doves would carry small messages between them.
The king loved yen (china's currency) and decided to pay an old lord named sou-yang, sou-yang was rich but very ugly and said he would pay millions of rubies and gold pieces even rich spices for Mai's hand in marriage. So as you would think it was in the king's impure nature to agree.
On the day of the wedding Chang had plans of his own dressed as a bus boy, he came into Mai's chamber and they ran to a far land down south. After four years of living together happily and marrying, the king found them and commanded his guards to throw both Mai and Chang into a huge labyrinth. Eventually they starved and died in each others arms, but the gods saw their sad story and raised them in the form of immortal doves. Now they will live together for all eternity.
Comment cont. You could do with a couple more stops and new sentences too, and commas here and there.E.g. "...old lord named Sou-yang. Sou-yang was rich...". Also "...Chang had plans of his own. Dressed as a bus boy,..." Shouldn't the 2 lovers marry first and then live happily...? Or is this meant to be modern behaviour? Commas would help in "So, as you would think, it was in the king's impure nature to agree."
25th August 2013
A nice story but the first sentence of the second paragraph doesn't seem to make sense: "The king...decided to pay an old lord..."Surely the old lord was to pay him for his daughter. Perhaps you mean 'pay attention to...'. The name sou-yang needs a capital 'S'