I thought this story was average, it could include more exciting vocabulary, but well done.
24th June 2010
your story was very nice. However i think you could have used some more developed literary devices and improved on the flow of the story. Perhaps in the future you could consider a beginning, middle and end. Make sure your story dosnt drag on and always keep the reader hooked on what will happen next. You could also consider the use of metaphors, similies etc. Also in the future remember to include a variety of sentences. At times use simple but then vary to complex.